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Thursday, December 28, 2006
of 2006
waiting ... just anticipating as Os requested of us, I'm posting my favourite HNT picture from 2006. why is it my favourite?
I feel that there are few things in life as deliciously painful (mentally speaking, though the physical in this case certainly got involved as well) as the high anticipation of a special event; this picture was taken at such a time in my life, and for me it still sparks the imagination of possible pleasures, brings back the memories of the actual pleasures experienced and sparks further imaginings. all that also helps to shape my current life and attitudes.
I think the imagination is quite possibly one of the most powerful forces in life; it's not only behind creative ideas and thoughts, but is responsible for the actual creation of our lives: how we live them, what we experience and the new paths we find to explore. I love my imagination, though at times it can get a bit worrying too and is probably responsible for why I tend to obsessively prod at so many thoughts and possibilities, in my mind.
I posted this picture with a countdown to the special event, which started on July 7, 2006 and lasted for a week of wonderful wickedness. the countdown visually illustrates how focused my mind was on the upcoming trip, for a long period of time prior to embarking upon it. one would think the event couldn't possibly live up to the imagining after all that, but it not only lived up to my speculations but actually surpassed them.
2006 was actually a year chock full of hopeful anticipation and successful wish-fulfillment for me. not to mention new and exciting experiences, as well as being full of opportunities for learning and discovery - both within and without myself. yes, much of it has to do with what I've been open to consider, imagine and venture into, but if it wasn't for one special person none of it would've been likely or perhaps even possible. I don't think I could have imagined most of this, actually, without that person involved... his influence opened my mind to a lot of things I just wasn't considering in any real way before. he opened up whole different worlds for me to explore, from the physical to the mental, emotional and spiritual, and has basically brought something that was mostly missing in my life: fun. and none of that has changed. I figure if I'm really lucky he'll stick around now for a while, & hopefully he'll show up in my next life too (as I'm sure he has in many past ones). I suppose you might consider this long-assed entry a kind of 'thank you' to him, even.
is it any wonder that my favourite HNT picture is connected to this man? somehow it seems fitting that all the other pictures I considered for 'favourite' are also connected to him (not to mention the ones not mentioned below but considered briefly too!):
- memories: a picture of us on the last day of the first weekend we physically met;
- glowing: memories from the July trip I was anticipating in the 'favourite' picture. I woke one morning to find he'd left that flower - in my favourite colour, purple - for me before he went to work, while I remained sleeping;
- haiku: for him - a memory from the last trip I took to see him, in September;
- black lace: thinking of him, remembering (plus it's the best picture I have ever had of my actually rather lumpy bum!);
- bulbs & gifts: well this one was just fun to do, and rather creative (if I do say so myself), and it was actually meant to provoke him in certain ways (worked :D).
that last one got a reaction I was delighted with, so I'm on a mission now to get the same sort of thing on a rather regular basis (and hopefully make him amused/crazy at the same time). accordingly, I leave you with a new picture taken Christmas night, part of a Xmas tail. he's already seen it, but I'm not above using it again :D.
happy HNT; may 2007 bring many more favourites for all.
Happy New Year!
ps: since I have to get up early tomorrow I need to get to bed now, so I'll visit all of you later to see your favourites!
Posted at 02:15 am by loz
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Thursday, December 21, 2006
a pic, and some really bad poetry
**warning: really really bad poetry**
here I sit, broken hearted
paid a dime, and only...
wait... sorry, wrong verse.
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here I sit, alone & glittery,
'neath the still-nonexistant Xmas tree
(and my stockings aren't even hung
o'er the shower rod - oh gee!).
I had only one wish for XXXmas
but alas and alack, it just ain't to be...
a Santa Loz wants her own S. Nick, you see.
instead I'm here now - doing this HNT.
in following Os-orders
- sometimes I do what I'm told -
I would wish for these three people
that true treasures unfold:
for mamahog:
a razor; a sexy vixen outfit ('fuckmefashions' - her excellent word); enough time to go out to have a smashing good time flaunting her sexiness, and then be hung over - or whatever - for as long as she wants or needs to be, without having to do a thing around the house (and all while someone else cares properly for the 'lets). and all the sleep she wants.
to Jas, the Redneck Nerdboy:
thermal underwear; a Porta-Heater; a sign to hang in his general vicinity (wherever he goes) that reads: "You call *THAT* cold?"; and a lifetime pass to the most convenient hottub.
to SeaRabbit:
a cure for BPD; joyful peace; and so much love it drips out her ears (sounds strange, but I hope you know what I'm saying there). and maybe a toy she could really - for a change - get into :D. you know... just for the really solitary times.
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so I followed Os' request & did this for 3 of the people on my blogroll who'd probably not expect to get anything from me; since most of my longer 'blogpals' don't even do HNT, it was easy enough to pick these 3... I just had a look at a bunch of random pages & chose something from the 3 that 'spoke' to me most (but also who I've enjoyed visiting!).
by the way, although I freely admit I suck at creating rhyming poems, I simply must point out that I wrote today's worse on purpose. no, I really did! (honest)
happy HNT to all, and wherever you are, whatever you do next week (or not), please enjoy it immensely.
----------------------------------------------------
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Posted at 02:33 am by loz
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Thursday, December 14, 2006
I don't have a tree up yet, though...
click here to open the larger, original animation - 1.6 mb.
Note: it's exactly the same as what's here, just too heavy for easy page loading.as you see, I've just put a few bulbs up so far, and have even got a few gifts down below them. as you'll also see, I've already started unwrapping some of those gifts... alas, no one's asked for these particular gifts this Christmas, so I guess I'll just have to try to continue enjoying them on my own. I think I do share rather nicely though, so perhaps someone will come along who'd like to enjoy them with me.
anyone so inclined is welcome to slip a gift somewhere in under those bulbs of mine; just snug it in with the rest of the gifts already there. if you hide it skillfully it may end up staying there until Christmas even. if you're very skillful at choosing and hiding just the right gift, I might even keep it stashed there indefinitely for my continued pleasure.
happy HNT to all, and a joyful whatever-you-celebrate.
----------------------------------------------------more Half-Nekkid Thursday people(click above)
Posted at 06:17 am by loz
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Friday, December 08, 2006
shades of me
 even though I wasn't here yesterday, I was still here. I'm not sure anyone really understands that. I doubt you really see me here, after all. that's not completely your fault... you see whatever parts of me I put up here for your viewing, and then you do what you're supposed to do in this case: you interpret it according to what you think (or want to think) you see in it. most of what you see here is posed in a way that doesn't show you everything anyway, so if you don't really see me it's only my own fault for showing you some piece that is less than the whole truth of me. I don't lie to you, but sometimes I bend the truth and I don't reveal all of me, either. on the other hand, these pictures here show you much more of me than I normally reveal in brief contact situations, if you only look to find it.
if you know me, though - I mean, really know me - you get as much of my truth as I can bear to reveal. the truth I don't often reveal is, I don't know if anyone can handle the full truth of me. or perhaps more accurately, I don't know if I trust anyone to see the wartiest parts of me, the ones that shrink from discovery, and still want to be associated with me. I don't know that I can trust anyone to see my beauty in full bloom, without feeling the need to possess and destroy it. I'm a shadow of myself, much of the time, because I can't bear to let you see what I actually am, beneath the decorative window dressings and one-way signage. I can't bear to take the chance that you might turn away without even noticing the important parts laid bare for your discovery.
I don't fully understand (yet) why I feel the uglier or hidden parts of me are the more truthful part of me than the beauty within that could so easily shine out, but I'm not really sure it matters. you only want the part of me that enhances something for you anyway, don't you? you don't really want whatever is important to me... only that part that's important to you. fair enough... I'm sure I'm guilty of the same sin too, in many cases. we're all human, after all. we seek that which enhances the beautiful dreams in our lives, not that which forces us to confront the ugly truth. unfortunately for me (for all of us), the beauty within is inextricably entwined with the ugly, unvarnished truth. ultimately, we can't have one without the other, and that's hard to accept.
I'm not really sure what all I'm saying here, other than the fact that I feel like a shadow of myself, and I wish someone could really see me. or maybe I just wish someone would care enough to value all the shades of me rather than only what benefits them... I'm not sure. it's lonely here in my shadow-shell, is all that I do know for sure.
something I saw recently made me feel annihilated, and I don't know if it's right to let myself enhance that with my own self-annihilation; I was going to withdraw for a while, but I don't know if that's right for me. on the other hand, I don't feel like filling a space with surface chatter and some partial-truth about myself will help me either. but here I am after all: the right place at the wrong time, without forcing myself on anyone. just like I always am.
I'm here. a shadow of myself, with no confidence that you - you reading this... Any Person (**cue Pink Floyd's 'Is There Anybody Out There') - will see this (or that) shade of me, even if it's in your face. the saddest thing is, I don't even know why I care. I don't know if I should care. I don't know why I'm here, except for the fact that I can't seem to manage to deny my own self completely, even if - ultimately - I am deniable.
I just feel shades of me, and I know I'm here even if you don't... even if my instinct is to disappear into my own shadows completely.
**
----------------------------------------------------more Half-Nekkid Thursday people(click above)
Posted at 02:54 am by loz
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Wednesday, December 06, 2006
due to various circumstances, I'm out for a bit. no hnt today (&/or for who knows how long) but thanks, if you've come by to visit. catch you later sometime.
l.
x
Posted at 10:19 pm by loz
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